playground love.

Hi Adam,

I've been packing today, maybe not so much packing, I'm really just throwing all my crap in bags. Anyhow, I found all the letters you wrote me our sophomore year in high school. I kept them for some time now, what were we? 15-16? Most of them are from you bored as hell and writing me a letter instead of focusing in Farnham's class. I remember it pretty clearly, you'd hand me a letter during passing period. One letter, pretty much every day.

I read some of them over just now and I'm completely in awe of the fact that you may very well be the funniest and nicest 16 year old boy I ever knew. The letters were sweet, Adam. Self-deprecating and completely adorable. I don't think anyone would understand the amount of awesome these letter were if they never read them, and I can't really transcibe all of them, it's a weird anthology of jokes and random "WAKE UP NGANs" inserted into the letter.

You'd walk me home everyday, and in one letter you wrote:

"I'm going to the mall with Jon and Chris. So instead of me walking you, do you want to walk me to the front? If not, that's ok (NOT). Just playing I do understand. Now let me talk about Law and Order. That pissed me off man, just because she was a prostitute they gave the guy that murdered her Man 2. I mean, she was still a human. What I just said must be confusing to you."

My absolute favorite part of the letters were when you'd end it with the lyrics of either a Queen or a Depeche Mode song, depending on your mood.

"ngan" just killed a man
put a gun against his head
pulled the trigger,
now he's dead
"ngan," life has just begun

One of the letters was when you asked me to a dance, I think I said no, I don't know why I was so scared of boys. I was extra mean to you sometimes just because I was so scared you knew I liked you. Wow, I sound like I'm on Teen Disney, huh? Oh well, that was always the reason, I was just 15, scared shitless of boys. And I didn't know what to do with you. On one hand, you were the only person I wanted to hang out with. On the other hand, I was so scared that we couldn't be the friends we were if we got together. If it ever came up, I made fun of you, your face, your mom or played it off like you were joking.

I realize now that was pretty mean of me, downright bitchy, but you understood, right? I did too, and I understood that you could only take that for so long.

Your letter on the last day of school read, "Well first of all, I'm going to miss your beatings. It was all special to me. Everyday I woke up and said, "I hope I get hit today" because I know you're only trying to do well. right? ... Look at the bright side of summer: sleeping in, watching Conan, and hey you won't have to look at my face again, until next school year. Unless I move to my dad's."

I missed you that following year. You didn't move to your dad's, but we were never the same really. No more letters, I stopped calling, you started getting into trouble. And we'd see each other during passing period and just smile, but that was about it.

I miss you. I mean, not you who you are now, I don't really know you now, do I? I miss the 'you' in these letters. But that's something that can't be helped. I don't think I've really spoken to or seen you in what's probably been ... 4-5 years now? How are you? I really wonder this, sometimes I'll be driving, and I don't know, something pops into my head and then I'm remembering us, at Wendy's or us stopping by Hong Kong Fashion to get you stink bombs so that you can set them off in class, or us eating starburst just hanging out.

You were my best friend. In the best sense of the word best, you were very much something I loved. Too bad I never had the sense to tell you. I hope wherever you are and whatever you're doing, you're happy.

Your friend,
Ngan

P.S.